"Nobody Wants This" offers a master class in vulnerability and communication.
Spoiler Alert: I will discuss plot points from the show Nobody Wants This in this post. If you haven't seen it, you may want to watch it first and read this after.
In the Netflix show "Nobody Wants This," podcaster Joanne (Kristen Bell) moves past her dating and relationship bad habits by getting involved with an emotionally available, mature, stable man: a rabbi named Noah Roklov (Adam Brody). Joanne's sister and podcast co-host Morgan (Justine Lupe) doesn't love this at first, since it's made their podcast less exciting to listeners used to hearing about Joanne's hilarious and horrendous dating exploits.
Noah's family, friends, and community also aren't thrilled with this relationship either, as they expect him to marry a Jewish woman, particularly as he's being promoted to head rabbi of his synagogue.
Joanne and Noah must navigate the world's judgment of their union while also facing internal struggles about their relationship as they move from casual dating into a more serious relationship.
Instead of a formulaic rom-com in which we all know the inevitable ending and thus are unaffected by the twists and turns, this show offers real depth. We see a complicated relationship unfolding between two delightful, funny, and imperfect people who are in love but struggling to navigate what their love means for their families and careers. There are so many things we can learn from this show, but here are the top two love lessons.
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1. Be Vulnerable in Hard Moments
In so many romantic comedies, we see a perfectly happy couple get unnecessarily torn apart because of a misunderstanding or fear that could have been directly addressed and quickly cleared up. Characters avoid vulnerability like it’s jury duty, and that’s pretty true to how many of us feel about opening up with our loved ones and sharing our most painful feelings.
In Nobody Wants This, though, Joanne and Noah take the risk of being vulnerable with each other. We see Joanne tell Noah about her tendency to pick the wrong men to date. We see Noah share his feelings for Joanne and his desire to date, even though it will have challenges. They openly discuss when something upsetting happens, such as Joanne feeling hidden by Noah, and they choose to make themselves vulnerable by fighting for the relationship.
They don't do it at every single opportunity, but over and over again Noah and Joanne choose to be honest and vulnerable in hard moments. Equally important as their willingness to share feelings and talk about hard issues, both are receptive to the other person being vulnerable. They don’t minimize, judge, ridicule, or panic at the other’s admissions. They don’t get reactive or defensive. Instead, they listen. They’re curious, they stay calm, and they address the problem. It’s a master class in communication.
2. Put Your Partner First
Relationships don’t exist in social vacuums. People in our lives, be it family, friends, or exes, or coworkers, will play a role. Many people will have opinions, sometimes strong opinions, about the suitability of our partners or the quality of our relationships. And while we should listen to these opinions (especially if they’re coming from important people in our lives or if there are significant concerns such as about abuse), other people shouldn’t dictate which romantic attachments we keep. This doesn’t mean forsaking everyone in your life just to keep your partner happy, but it does mean prioritizing your relationship, ensuring you’re protecting your partner in social situations, and taking people’s advice and criticisms with a grain of salt.
Both Noah and Joanne have to contend with their families’ opinions of the other. Joanne’s sister, Morgan, notices their podcast flagging without Joanne’s juicy dating content. She sees her sister “changing” and initially dislikes this new version of Joanne. Morgan eventually comes around, but at first she's ambivalent and judgmental of Joanne’s relationship.
Noah has his own family judgments to ward off, not to mention those of his religious community. A rabbi seeking a promotion, he is expected to marry a Jewish woman, which Joanne is decidedly not. His sister-in-law Esther (Jackie Tohn) and mother Bina (Tovah Feldshuh) are not shy about their determination to keep Joanne out of their family. They're actively judgmental and rude toward her, just as Morgan was distrustful of Noah.
There's Still Room for Self-Growth
Although these two characters are generally mature and communicative when faced with hurt feelings or external adversity, they're not perfect. Joanne is fighting her instincts to be suspicious and reactive in her romantic partnerships. After years of bad dating experiences, she's learned to protect herself by hiding her true feelings and ending relationships before they can hurt her more. Joanne slips up, like when she looks inside Noah's "ex box" after assuring him she won't or faking being sick to get out of attending a bat mitzvah, but she admits to her wrongdoing and what drove her to take those actions. She's not perfect, but she's working on herself.
Noah has some work to do as well. Too often, he lets Joanne do the hard work of becoming a part of his life and community when he should be confronting people on her behalf and setting expectations with family and friends prior to social outings. This is a problem between Noah and his family and friends; they're gatekeeping who can be a part of his life, and that's not Joanne's issue to solve. Noah wants to spend time with people who are openly rejecting and mean to his partner. He's lucky Joanne is as socially effective and resilient as she is, because most other people wouldn't make it past his family and friends' high walls.
In my next post, I'll dive into the one big mistake this couple makes (looking at you, Noah). Stay tuned.
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