"It Ends With Us" is an accurate portrayal of abuse, except for this one thing.
Colleen Hoover’s bestseller-turned-film It Ends With Us is controversial, to put it lightly. Many who read the book or watched the film claim that it romanticizes abuse and might transmit the wrong messages, particularly to younger audiences, about what to tolerate in a relationship. Specific complaints include that the book’s protagonist, Lily Bloom (played by Blake Lively in the film), doesn’t pursue legal action against her abusive husband, Ryle Kincaid (played by Justin Baldoni), and that Ryle is given a trauma history that some could perceive as an explanation, even a justification, for his behavior.
As a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, I think this film is an important and accurate portrayal of the nuanced abusive situations people find themselves in and has many lessons we can benefit from, but it has one big inaccuracy that we need to talk about.
It’s a Good Example, But It's Not Supposed to Be a Guide
No, the film isn’t a perfect manual for how to identify and leave an abusive relationship. It’s not a step-by-step guide for everything a survivor should do. And it doesn’t need to be, particularly considering there is no one way for people to extricate themselves from abusive situations. For example, some people may pursue legal action; others may not. It’s too reductionist to say that every survivor should get restraining orders or sue their abusers; some don’t have the financial means, or they're worried about being continuously re-traumatized by recounting and reliving the events during a legal battle.
How and when to leave an abusive relationship will vary depending on many factors, including the degree of financial resources, social support, dependents involved, and the survivor’s emotional capacity. Leaving can be hard and scary, even unsafe, and it must be done in a way and at a time that works for the survivor. No movie can give us a one-size-fits-all example for exiting abusive situations.
It's a Good Example of How Abuse Can Be Hard to Accept
Like it or not, this movie does a good job of portraying abuse. Rarely is it the sociopathic maniac hurting someone without any remorse; more often, abuse occurs in a relationship that also has wonderful, loving moments and periods of peace. This makes it really hard to recognize abuse. How can a person be abusive when they are adoring, considerate, and silly most of the time? The abuse incidents, no matter how extreme, are easy to explain away as mistakes, unintended actions, or something the abuser feels badly about and is therefore forgivable.
We see this in the film. Ryle isn’t abusive 100 percent of the time. In fact, most of the time, he’s lovely. He’s fun, cooks meals, sings karaoke, and proposes in the most spontaneously romantic way—he’s a catch! But then there’s that small percentage where he is mean, controlling, jealous, and violent. Those moments, as short as they may be, create an unsafe climate in the relationship, and no amount of fun, loving times in between those moments will change that.
It Accurately Shows the Cycle of Abuse
Abuse usually happens in a cycle with four stages—harmony, building tension, abuse incident, and reconciliation. We see the cycle happen a few times for Lily and Ryle, and we also see something even more important: We see the abuse worsening each time. This is very common in abusive relationships, where the abuses start off smaller and harder to identify until the incidents are undeniably violent and life-threatening.
The first abusive moment we witness is Ryle hitting Lily as she tries to help him save a burning frittata. It almost seems like he bumps into her by accident, and it’s easy to explain away, especially since he also got hurt. The second incident is Ryle shoving her down the stairs. But it’s because he’s upset and she’s chasing after him, so maybe she fell in the moment's chaos? The last incident is the most alarming, where he is fully aware of his actions as he attempts to sexually assault her and bites her shoulder. The incidents start more ambiguous and worsen over time, in accordance with their degree of commitment (dating versus married) and as Ryle’s insecurity and jealousy escalate.
The One Problem: Leaving Isn’t This Easy
This film accurately shows how abuse can occur, why it’s hard to see or accept, and the difficult choice of leaving it behind. However, there is one part of the story that’s less accurate. When Lily leaves Ryle and eventually asks for a divorce, he is shockingly understanding, and rarely is this the case in abusive relationships. He’s upset and sad, but he accepts her decision. We don’t see a fight ensue or a messy divorce with mounting legal fees and threats, we see a smiling Lily co-parenting with her mother.
I’m in full support of a movie portraying the complexities of abuse and showing a survivor leaving the abusive relationship; however, people should know that leaving is usually not this easy. Getting out of an abusive situation can be scary, even life-threatening. Abusers want power and control, and knowing that they are going to lose that when a relationship ends can prompt them to be even more abusive in attempts to keep their partner from leaving.
Ryle’s resigned acceptance of Lily’s decision was a beautiful example of what we’d all like perpetrators of abuse to do when faced with the consequences of their unacceptable actions. Unfortunately, abusers usually feel justified in their behavior and lack insight, and, thus, it is not so easy to leave. In real life, Ryle would likely have lashed out, begged her to stay, tried to use their daughter as a bargaining chip, used his vast wealth to hire a team of lawyers to win custody, or any other number of harsh tactics to either keep Lily or punish her for leaving.
Overall, a Great Film With One Big Inaccuracy
It’s hard to capture the nuance of many abusive situations, which are relationships that have love and laughter in addition to abuse incidents. Seeing this in Lily and Ryle’s relationship helps us understand why people stay in something so clearly unhealthy and gives a courageous example of a survivor leaving a relationship. The movie’s one mistake was making it seem easy to leave because rarely will an abuser recognize and respect the survivor’s need to go.
*If you're in an abusive relationship, please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline for help.
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