Are All Boundary Violations Dealbreakers?

Why boundary violations happen and what to do about them.

Key points

• Boundaries aren’t always obvious to others so they need to be communicated.
• Universal boundaries protect safety while individual boundaries vary between relationships and over time.
• Healthy relationships involve negotiating personal boundaries with empathy and flexibility.

As with many therapy terms, “boundaries” has become a widely used word in everyday conversation. We talk about boundaries when trying to assert our autonomy and protect our well-being, pointing out how people have infringed upon our freedom, made us feel less secure, or have generally upset us.

Because “boundaries” is a therapy term, people often give it deference. They don’t want to appear uncaring or abusive, so they apologize and acquiesce to the person who used it. Sometimes, this is the appropriate response, but there are plenty of other times when a boundary violation shouldn’t lead to an immediate mea culpa. Let’s look at why.

Understanding Boundaries

While people generally use “boundaries” indiscriminately, this word has a very specific meaning. Boundaries are the invisible lines that protect our safety, emotional health, and autonomy. They ensure we feel secure in our relationships—that we don’t feel at risk for harm or exploitation of any kind.

There are different types of boundaries, such as emotional, physical, sexual, or financial. In my book They’re Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Looking for Red Flags in Every Relationship, I make an important distinction between universal boundaries necessary to protect our safety and autonomy, and individual boundaries that vary from person to person.

Universal boundaries shield us from abuse. For example, it’s never acceptable for someone to physically harm you, pressure you into sexual contact you aren’t consenting to, or steal from your bank account. We can all agree this is universally unjustifiable.

These boundaries are well-known (or should be), often enforced by the law, and it is unacceptable when they are crossed. Violations of these boundaries, especially if they happen repeatedly, indicate an abusive relationship.

Individual boundaries are person-specific and can change over time, and it’s these boundaries that can be crossed without it being a crisis. For example, maybe you don’t like it when people read over your shoulder at work, looking at your computer screen to see what you’re up to. It makes you feel uncomfortable and as if your privacy is being violated, and you’ll have to tell your colleagues that you’d prefer if they didn’t peek over your shoulder, even though other people in the office might not mind that they do.

Boundaries are relationship-dependent and can shift over time. For example, you’d probably feel OK with your spouse telling you about an erotic dream they had about you the night before, but you’d be very uncomfortable (even harassed) if your boss did. Further, if you end up getting divorced, you’d be upset if your ex told you about an erotic dream, even though a year earlier it would likely have been acceptable or even exciting. This is why it’s important to keep communicating boundaries if they change or are crossed.

Sometimes Boundaries Are Well-Kept Secrets

Because individual boundaries are just that—specific to the individual—it’s impossible for us to know everyone else’s limits. The only way we can find out those lines is if we inadvertently cross them or if the person tells us what they are.

It’s in these moments that we need to have more understanding in our relationships. If someone crosses our boundary, and it’s not a universal one, it’s not a reason to sound the abuse alarm; it’s a reason to talk about the boundary. This is an opportunity to share why this is an important boundary to you and for the other person to learn more about your needs and limits.

Boundaries Can Be Negotiated

To make matters more challenging, this conversation could require some negotiation. You might have a boundary that infringes on the other person’s boundary, in which case, you’ll both need to be flexible to ensure everyone’s needs are being met as much as possible. This could include compromises, especially if the other person is someone very important to you.

For example, let’s say you get startled (even afraid for a second) if your spouse comes home sooner than expected without texting you that they were leaving work early. For your sense of safety at home, you might need them to give you a heads-up. But your spouse could bristle at this, feeling as though their autonomy is being infringed upon and that you’re keeping tabs on their whereabouts when they’re not doing anything wrong (coming home to their house isn’t a crime, after all).

Neither of you has the moral high ground here; you just have different boundaries and needs. Maybe you talk it through and, after feeling heard and validated, one of you agrees to make a change. Maybe you compromise and agree that your spouse will do a special knock before entering if they happen to come home early. If you both dig in your heels, claiming boundary violations and demanding change, you’ll be stuck in a stalemate.

Not Every Boundary Violation is a Red Flag

Sometimes boundary crossings are just indicators that someone doesn’t know what you need. While individual boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, they also require communication, flexibility, and context.

As long as it isn’t a universal boundary being crossed, a boundary violation isn’t a reason to panic. It’s a reason to have an open conversation, express your needs, or sometimes negotiate if your boundaries are clashing with those of someone you care about.

When we approach these moments with curiosity instead of accusation, we make space for growth, not just protection.