How Therapy Speak Is Ruining Your Love Life

Why you should let your partner be imperfect.

Key points

• Misusing or weaponizing clinical terms can negatively impact relationships.
• Labeling normal behavior with clinical diagnoses creates unrealistic expectations in relationships.
• Using therapeutic terms as defenses blocks emotional intimacy and prevents vulnerability.

By mid-February, we’re all desperate for some kind of joyous event to shepherd us through the dreary winter days, and so here comes Valentine’s Day, a day dedicated to love and over-the-top displays of affection, right on time to cheer us up or, alternatively, depress us. It’s a great excuse to write about love and relationships, which I do every year. This year, I want to look at how we are making Cupid’s job way too hard because of our zeal for using clinical terms and diagnoses to explain every interaction and person in our lives.

Where Did Therapy Speak Come From?

With knowledge about healthy relationships becoming increasingly widespread thanks to the internet and social media, more people are considering themselves psychology experts. They’re able to do their own deep dives into different clinical diagnoses or terms and feel informed enough to use these words. For example, after watching a reel from a favorite influencer, someone can become sure they could identify a boundary violation, red flags that their date is a narcissist, and when they’re triggered.

We’re learning how to bring in the language of therapy to correct problems and connect to others—and this is generally a really good thing.

But therapy speak is a good thing gone too far. Many now feel comfortable hurling labels and diagnoses like gaslighting and sociopathy, even if they are inaccurate (and they often are inaccurate). They notice a mood shift, and they call their spouse bipolar. Hurt by their partner’s tardiness, they label it a boundary violation or red flag. They’re identifying problematic behaviors and swiftly articulating their findings (“You’re so OCD, you have to calm down about the dishes!”) so the other person can apologize and change.

Instead of helping people share their feelings and navigate challenges, therapy speak is making it very hard to connect.

Therapy Speak Pathologizes Normal Behavior

Although identifying pathology and helping others change is a generally good idea, many people are incorrect in their conclusions. They’re identifying behaviors as aberrant when they’re actually pretty normal. Then they’re searching for evidence to confirm their inaccurate diagnoses and ignoring any signs that they could be wrong—a phenomenon called confirmation bias. This leads to a world in which everyone is pathological and thus no one is healthy enough to be in a partnership.

Relationships are hard, and sometimes they bring out the worst in us. Anyone in a long-term partnership can attest to this: There are painful moments and challenging periods that make you question the other person and your commitment to them. These hard periods, while distressing, do not automatically indicate a partner has developed a disorder or engaged in pathological behavior. This would certainly explain things, but it would be overlooking the fact that people sometimes just behave badly when they’re stressed, insecure, desperate, or overwhelmed.

When we start to see normal human behavior as clinical, we make it impossible to be imperfect. For example, if a frustrated outburst is a sign of narcissistic rage, then no one is allowed to get angry. If arguing about what was said in a conversation is gaslighting, then no one is allowed to disagree. If bringing home flowers after a fight is love bombing, no one is allowed to apologize. You get the idea.

And if our partners can’t mess up without being assigned a clinical disorder, it makes it too hard to get through tough times. It forces them to walk on eggshells to avoid a diagnosis and can make them feel judged, even shamed, for their growing edges. Relationships can’t survive, let alone flourish, in this type of environment.

Therapy Speak Blocks Emotional Intimacy

Therapy words are often used as a defense mechanism. They are a way of distancing ourselves from our emotions. We don’t have to be vulnerable if we avoid disclosing our painful feelings by pointing fingers at the other person instead, right? Keeping the focus on the bad behavior of our partner makes us feel in the right, protected from having a hard conversation, and even a little self-righteous. We didn’t do anything wrong; it was all the other person’s pathological problems.

For example, instead of saying, “I felt so embarrassed by that joke you made in front of my family,” you say, “Only a narcissist would make fun of their partner like that,” and in doing so, you aren’t vulnerable. You’re blaming and labeling the other person instead of sharing the pain you experienced because of their action.

If you jump to clinical terms instead of saying how you feel, your partner will be defensive instead of empathic. You’ll miss the opportunity to be heard and validated. This creates more distance in the relationship instead of helping you get closer.

Give Cupid a Break This Year

If you’re looking for love or in a relationship, it’s time to let go of the clinical terms. Instead of trying to define and label every action or personality trait, a better approach is to focus on your feelings and start there. It might feel safer to call your partner bipolar because their mood inexplicably changed, but how did that sudden shift make you feel? Insecure about the relationship? Worried about them? Anxious that you did something wrong? Those are the things you should identify and share, not the (likely inaccurate) labeling of a mood disorder.

Remember that your loved one, no matter how fantastic, will make mistakes and will, at times, hurt your feelings. This doesn’t mean they need 10 hours of therapy a week. It means they’re human.

So, this Valentine’s Day, let’s let everyone be a little more imperfect.